Changes

"The only thing constant in life is change"

We learnt that way back during MUFY, remember? :)

Nothing can really prepare you for the changes that you will face. It is just that we eventually, and very naturally, make use of our survival instincts and adjust ourselves to our new surroundings, circumstances and environment.

Even though i had known about Chu Ian's plan to leave for Australia since a long time ago, i could not fully prepare myself for the day that he left. I must say though, the scenario of him at the airport and of me waving goodbye had been on the play button for a gazillion times in my mind.

I figured that i was ready. Ready for the day to wave him off to Australia and embrace the idea that there will no longer be that convenience of picking up the phone to send a quick message to say "i miss you" or "i had a bad day...can i call you?" or just merely picking up the phone and click on speed dial to his number.

Now i have to think twice before sending a message because of the cost that is involved; so what more to call? 

Of course, there is Skype now. But i am new to this whole new arrangement of communicating just through Skype and not having him physically with me. How on earth do people do it? 

It sounds so simple to just say that communicating through Skype is good enough; imagine those days when all they had was just pictures and snail mail!! But really, how do people go through with the relationship without physical touch, a hug or a kiss?

Like i said before, it was so easy to just tell myself that i am prepared to do all that and that i am ready. But sometimes, you can not always have what you want. In the end, the scenario in my mind didn't work out...i was about over 200km far away from him on that significant day.

Even after 2 years of knowing that he was leaving was not enough to prepare me when i found out that he was leaving on the 2nd day of Chinese New Year. I knew i could not go. It took me awhile to be accustomed to the idea that we could still say our goodbyes through the phone.

But even then, that was not meant to be.

My entire family (includes relatives) had a family reunion dinner at a restaurant. What i had not counted on was the fact that halfway through dinner when i realised that Chu Ian was taking a long time to call me back, that there was no freaking line at that restaurant!!!! OF ALL THE TIMES AND DAYS! It HAD to be WHEN CHU IAN IS ABOUT TO BOARD THE PLANE! *kicks table*

I frantically tried to call and search for a line. But to no avail. When i went back to my table, my mom came to me and told me that Chu Ian had missed call her. With shaky hands i quickly took the phone to call him back. Again. And again. And again. And again.

It took me nearly 8 or more failed attempts before my mom calmly told me that Chu Ian had probably switched off his phone and is on board the plane by now.

I felt my heart sink down my stomach.

I know he told me not to be silly or sdg to cry. But i couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop the disappointment. I couldn't stop and turn back time to when i still had line, to call him back.

I had to excuse myself and locked myself in the toilet for several minutes to just cry my disappointment for not being able to just have that one last time of joy of calling him and hearing his voice. To just tell him to have a safe flight. And so much more.

I know i seem to be a little overreacting to some and to others, a tad too emotional. But i hate goodbyes. As much as i have learnt from Management units of ways to go about changes, i realise that i am probably one of those people who hate changes. I am one of those people that might resist change. I am even prolly one of those that would be sent off to a course to deal with changes. Heck, i don't know!

It could be just a phase. Or maybe my menstrual cycle is on its way and it's affecting the hormonal changes in my body. Or maybe, i am just plain disappointed. Regardless, i cried.

For a couple of minutes i just crouched and cried. At the toilet, no less. But after that, i quickly recovered and calmed myself down well enough to return to the table with no signs of having been crying and actually have dessert and later laugh when they celebrated my grandmother's birthday, my cousin's and lo and behold, MINE again!! LOL! :D

So really, now that it has been about 2 days, i am slowly adjusting myself to this new situation. Yesterday, i managed to catch him online!! :D But we only typed through Skype because he was really Skyping with his parents. xD And later, he got disconnected halfway through and i didn't get the chance to continue our convo.

It's difficult when you always rush online to check if he is there, and you get your hopes high, but realise that he is not. But it's part of the change that i will have to accept and get used to.

Nowadays, i just busy myself with cleaning up my room and surrounding myself with people so that i don't keep thinking too much. Since Uni is starting soon, assignments will keep me busy too. :)


Funny how that once when i was single, all these was never an issue for me. I could get by the days alone just fine. Yet, when my life had someone special, everything just naturally fell into a different routine and i was comfortable with the new routine. Now that i am back to square one, i find myself slightly off balance. Life is funny like that. xP

So Dear ar..i'm well here too. :) I am much stronger than i remembered. More independent than i let myself believe. Changes are inevitable but i am learning to adjust myself, camouflage myself and be more flexible when the situation arises for me to do so. :)

I'm still waiting for you to show me your little room though! :D Get your butt online soon k??? :)